Monday, December 5

In sickness and in health

(I noticed I havent post this on blog, it was on my MEMO, so let me just leave this here)

29 August 2016, 11.27 AM

I've been admitted into hospital since Wednesday, August 24, I was expected to go through surgery on Thursday nak buang apendiks but something came up so they delayed the surgery on Friday lah pulak. Faisal turun melaka from Shah Alam, around 12 lebih macam tu baru dapat jumpa dia during visiting hour. I can tell that he's worried sick bila tahu I akan go through operation. My parents and a few other relatives pun paid a visit after they heard the news. At 430 pm, Faisal datang lagi and waited until 7 pm. Dah habis waktu melawat, salam salam mak abah and they told me everything will be okay jangan risau sangat. Faisal sat still beside me and just stare at me.... lama. I asked him if he could stay tapi dia cakap dia kena balik. 

Somehow i sedih sebab :
1. He had to leave 
2. He'll be far away 
3. I wont be seeing him tomorrow after surgery dah settle 

I began to cry because I couldnt hold it back. He looked at me effortlessly but I bet his mind viciously think of where would he be staying for the night. Then Faisal cakap 'ok i stay, takpa'. Right then I felt guilty for being a crybaby and a nuisance. At 8 pm, doktor buat check up, dia suruh I bukak puasa padahal I dah puasa dari pukul 2 pagi. 18 hours I tak makan tak minum apa apa, and they didnt provide me food. The nurses suruh makan apa yang ada and I only have biscuits. I had to call Faisal and ask if he could buy me food. Again, I felt horrible sebab kena susahkan dia hantar makanan. I went off my bed nak pergi ambik air plus risau if he couldnt get through mak guard kat pintu masuk wad so I waited for him at the front room. Masatu I can still walk like normal people tak sakit teruk sangat. Then I saw Faisal walking towards me sambil pegang bubur ayam MCD.. His face was full of worries, tambah dgn muka penat. I couldnt hold my tears sebab terharu so I nangis when he said goodbye, take care, I love you.

The next day, I masih tunggu call from operation room. I puasa lagi from 12 am sebab I tidur awal. At 1230 pm faisal cakap dia dah gerak masuk hospital, right at that moment there was this nurse, she came to me sambil bawak baju putih, she asked me to change my clothes. That time I dah start shivering, my hands and feet sejuk macam ais because I was so scared, worried and anxious. The patient next to my bed started crying because she was scared too. The moment I lay down at the wheeled hospital bed I started to think macam macam. I couldnt stop berzikir because at that time I fikir what if today was my last day. Dahla banyak dosa dengan tuhan. Hospital melaka is near to Masjid al Azim; it was Friday & waktu they pushed me into operation room, ayat-ayat al quran yang orang masjid pasang sebelum solat Jumaat soothed out my feelings. Somehow like telling me it's going to be fine.

The operation room was as cold as ice. The doctors started to pasang things here and there, put on breathing mask, ask me to breathe in breathe out, baca doa & dua kalimah syahadah, cucuk bius and everything turned dark. The next thing I know one of the doctors pat my shoulder suruh I sedarkan diri. That moment wallahi, I senyum & praised Allah for giving me another chance to live because we never know when is our last. I felt so sleepy, my head was spinning plus tekak rasa loya nak muntah probably bius masih kuat lagi and honestly I couldnt feel my legs and couldnt move my hands.

Setiap kali I terjaga I tried to move my legs, I tried to see things clearly sebab sumpah it was all blurry. The moment I rasa kaki I boleh gerak, I terus panggil doktor and tanya what time was it. Terkejut weh it was 4 pm, I rasa sekejap sangat dalam bilik operation sebab I passed out tak sedarkan diri langsung.

They transferred me back to my ward & baring kan I slowly atas katil. I terus capai phone dalam laci & whatsapp my family & faisal. While waiting for them to come at 430 pm waktu melawat, I took a quick nap. Masatu rasa nak tiduuuuuur je.

"Sayang.... bangun." I celik mata terus nampak Faisal on the right side of my bed. His face appeared sad and gloomy. He sat next to me and just stare quietly. It was so peaceful and my heart was content. At 5 pm everyone started to come and visit. Thank you for those who pay me a visit, sincerely. I couldn't ask for more.

That night I tidur awal sangat, the whole day I mengantuk gila. I terjaga pukul 1 pagi sebab nurse kejut orang sebelah pergi operation room. Alhamdulillah dah lepas surgery, dah tak rasa takut so I macam tenang dan relaks je. I check phone and I received this long text from Faisal.

"I've seen you at your weakest condition. I betul tak sampai hati nk tinggalkan u smlm. Sbb tu i pilih utk stay satu mlm. Then bila u ckp u lapar, pastu u mintak tlg tu i tau mesti u nk mkn. Takkan i nk biar u berlapar? Walaupun jauh sket dr tmpt i duduk, i pegi jugak hntr makanan dkt u. Dpt jumpa kejap, then u nangis. Lg la buat i tak sampai hati nk balik. Kalau boleh peluk, dah peluk awk dah smlm. I tried my best to be there for you when you need me, when there's no one that could help you. I'm not a hero, not even a saint. I just want you to feel better. I'm happy that i met you even not like always, but it's you. I don't care what condition, walaupun kejap jumpa, tp i sgt happy. Alhamdulillah semuanye okay. I sgt risaukan u. I risau kalau smlm tu last i jumpa u. Hanya Allah je tau ape i rasa time tu, time td masa u ckp nk operate dah. I rasa sgt bersyukur bila u whatsapp i. I sayangkan u sgt2 sayang. Lg 48days kte nk kawin. Can't wait for that moment. I'm so excited! And i mintak maaf kalau ade kekurangan dkt i. I dah cuba yg terbaik."

Wallahi, this is the saddest text I ever received.

It was painful to get off from bed, it was painful to sit, it was painful to lay back in bed and it was terribly painful to even walk straight. I discharged on Saturday and still recovering.

Alhamdulillah for another chance to live..... all better now.

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