Sunday, December 20

Nil



"Please don't expect anyone else to always be good, kind & loving. There are times when they will be cold, thoughtless & hard to understand."

Thursday, December 10

A letter to my sayang



Two posts in a day how awesome is that. I taknak randomly membebel on this post but just wanna make this post a memory bila i bukak blog ni some other time i'll be like AWW, DID I POSTED THIS

So here it goes.


                   Hi sayang. I know its been a while since the last time i update pasal you dalam blog ni. I know you dont mind because thats the kind of person you are. Right now youre sleeping and its 3 AM. Just now you mengigau you cakap "lebatnya hujan" tapi sebenarnya tak hujan pun so i tahu you tengah mengigau sebab itu memang habit you tengah malam. Selain typo yang berterusan dan random dancing atas jalan, awak mengigau malam but i can live with that. I have been asking you quite several times "awak betul ke nak kahwin dengan saya ni?" and you will always answer me with a "yes of course" atau "iya, saya memang nak kahwin dengan awak" tapi awak, ada banyak darkside i yang you belum figure out. You belum dapat a full picture of the real me. Empat tahun pun belum cukup untuk buat awak kenal saya, apa lagi faham saya yang memang clearly sangat lah susah untuk faham. Perempuan ni complicated creature tapi most of the time, nak attention je sebenarnya. Even when you bagi i sepenuh perhatian, whatsapp i time tengah kerja atau tengah driving (tolong buang habit tu pls) tapi masih juga tak sama kalau nak bandingkan perhatian you virtually dan bila you ada sebelah i. 

You pernah nampak i marah, i nangis, i give up on life and i merengek. Tapi you belum nampak i membebel sampai nak pecah gegendang telinga, belum nampak how i dressed at home sumpah selekeh gila with my curl hair apa semua, you belum tahu how bad i smell early in the morning before bathing, how bad my breath smells and how my body stinks if i tak mandi malam sebab malas dan you belum nampak how i tidur kaki silang tangan masuk dalam seluar. I dont sleep beautifully, sometimes i bangun tidur muka berminyak and my hair is all frizzy.I am hard to handle and you know it too. Cepat sangat terasa, sangat sensitif and most of all, keras kepala. I selalu gastrik malam-malam, and at times if the pain wont go away i akan menangis. I rasa i tidur berdengkur bila i betul-betul penat and because of my bad gastric, i memang kentut bersepah. There is going to be a lot more bad habits that you'll figure out once we're married and i hope you will accept me truly. I am not telling you this to shame myself or to show you my flaws. But i want you to be prepared because i am far from perfect and how you see me now, isnt what youre going to see in our next life. 

I hope you wont regret your decision because i wont regret mine for choosing you. Theres a reason why you and i, bercinta semula after i broke your heart few years back sampai you merajuk taknak main social network dah. I'm sorry for what i did, i really am

I love you so much Faisal Hadi, always and forever. And i cant wait to marry you! I just wanna be with you through what ever life takes us, i just wanna spend the rest of my life living with you and I want to annoy you everyday, and spoil you even when kita dah tua bangka. I want our kids to be like "babah sayang sangat kat ibu" and i wanna see your eyes and your face sampai bila-bila!

Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for being what you are and thank you for loving me.




A flashback

OH HI, 
I am good at neglecting my blog now. But there's no place else yang lagi best to share all of my thoughts! Nak rant about everything pun people dont bother opening my blog so i am free of  any judgment here lol. There's like a lot of things happening in my life at this moment. I just graduated my diploma last month on November. I ended my seventh semester (dragged because i have to sit for one paper, yes i know right. PAINFUL) alhamdulillah after 3 years. So someone commented pasal i lambat habis diploma, i didnt take it too personal but still was a bit disappointed at first to see such comment. But then i started to get over it sebab he's an asshole so yeah. CHILL LA DUDE...... cepat cepat kau nak pergi mana??????

I punya plan pun nak kahwin after diploma (WHICH IS NOW OMGGGG) and later dah settle hal kahwin apa semua i nak further my degree. Faisal pun masih 50-50 nak sambung degree ke tidak. Hes working with his dad for the time being, i rasa probably hes going to take over his dad punya business if his dad nak retire (maybe insya Allah) His current job sangat banyak leisure time but when hes busy, hes REALLY busy

I honestly wanted to further my studies but not in accounting la i'd be crazy. Accounting dgn i tak ada chemistry. PERIOD. Most probably i sambung degree after i got married to faisal (WEY I JUST SAID THAT MALAS NAK PADAM OK) and was thinking of taking International Business because currently i tengah run a small business on Instagram. Lepastu, i rasa i lagi interested and has more passion kot if i further course tu..........

 I just hope our plans and everything goes out smoooooooooooooth and easy! Nak kahwin la, dah hampir empat tahun bercinta as boyfriend-girlfriend, penat tau faisal nak travel to melaka from shah alam, dengan tol rate makin naik, tuang minyak lagi apa semua. ITS COSTLY TAU (tapi ada bini pun kena keluar duit jugak but thank god i bukan kaki kikis harta suami) So yeah, I nak settle down and just have my own family dengan faisal next year. If it becomes a reality, i senyum sampai syurga hari hari tau!

 (NAMPAK TAK I BORAK RANDOM GILA)

 Its just sad that, I DONT HAVE PROPER PICTURES OF ME ON MY GRADUATION DAY BECAUSE IT RAINED #sadlife :')


but heres a decent picture of me during my pre photoshoot!

Wednesday, November 18

Yours truly,



"I want to know each an every single details abt you. And i'm sure i'll never stop learning it. I love you" ❤

Monday, November 16

Somebody that i used to know


Bila kau rasa kau lagi bagus dan lagi best dari orang thats when youre wrong and gurl, if youre trying so hard to prove people that youre living a good life, thats when you have none. 


Chill lah, hidup ni bukan competition asik nak compete dengan orang.


Might as well, you TRULY live your life and tak perlu nak try hard sangat lah eh? 

Thursday, October 29

Win or lose


Have u been in a place where u tried all kinds of dietary pills/supplements for weight loss but u still hasn't lost a few kg pun? The maximum amount you can achieve is 3kg but based on the testimonies others can lose more than 10kg by doing nothing. Dont you think thats a bit exaggerating? If u read on their description the utmost rule is very simple 'drink plenty of water' and poof u lose weight. But little did u know once you stop taking those supplements and start eating like you normally do your weight gain just got doubled.

I somehow was one of the victims. I consume herbalife, shaklee, best slim and jamu surut ayu. To be honest, these products help losing 2-3kg but once i stopped consuming i gained a few more pounds til it reaches 78kg and i can be considered as overweight at that time. 
I workout and hit the gym before puasa and hari raya that i managed to lose 8kg but after raya i continue balik my eating habit and started to gain back 4kg. Now dapat kesedaran balik i join fitness team #teamayuni and manage to lose 2kg in 1 week by working out and following my coach's meal plans. I'm in my week two now 

Hence, my point is dont depend on supplementary diet bcs at the end of the day, it will double ur weight. The only way u can work on your body and getting rid of those fats is to workout, to get all sweaty and having sore muscle. Theres no fast track, theres no short cut. Having a healthier lifestyle and diet by eating clean foods and stop consuming sugar will eventually get you there. No matter how slow or fast the process is, once you get there.... you know youve done it so well and should be proud of your ownself for pulling it off. You should be proud of your determination to have a healthier body. #teamayuni taught me that being skinny isnt what its all about. Being thin with thigh gaps isnt what we should aim for. Instead, #teamayuni taught us that you should treat your body nicely with good and healthy food. Because thats the only body that has been created for us, we live inside it and we should be loving it for the rest of our lives

Saturday, October 24

Embrace your beauty but never neglect you health




When someone calls you fat or be like 'eh berisi dah kau sekarang?' whats the most common answer you'll reply? Usually you'll reply with sarcasm or just something that will ease your insecurity like "aku bahagia sangat" or "mak aku masak sedap!" 

Dont lie. Everybody does that including me to be honest. But how many times you have to look in the mirror and curse, mock and hate yourself for being a plussize? Dont take me wrong and dont lie if you dont want to look good and feel good about urself? Whats the purpose of looking at yourself and hate your view? Unless you perfectly accept that you own a curvy body and youre happy accepting your physical apperance than i shouldnt discuss more.

But what im seeing is that you hate your body and that is the only body that has been created for you. You hate it but you dont even do anything about it. Embrace your beauty, embrace ur imperfection but never neglect ur health. Go out for a jog, to the gym or take a walk or maybe do morning workouts! Do not complain about your body unless you wanna change yourself. Bcs complaining doesnt burn calories my dear and comparing yourself with skinnier people aint gonna do any good bcs that will eat you up and make u feel worthless.


Always know your worth and love your body 💕😘

Thursday, October 22

Another random post



Wow, its been ages since the last time I updated this blog la. I've been neglecting it ever since wechat came along. But honestly theres no place like 'home'. I remember those days when I got home from school, dropped my bag, mandi laju laju terus on my dad's huge pc pastu sign in blog update an entry. Kadang, two three entries per day since I have so many things to talk about. Ok cut the craps, this is like very random post. You know whats weird, the other day I had like so many things to write tau but then here I am writing benda random lagi oh well some other time would do kan?

My life has been doing really good like genuinely speaking I am more optimistic and positive with everything, less complaining (alhamdulillah) and somehow I rasa I've found my inner peace. No drama, I'm in an ok state to be exact. I am currently unemployed after a month kerja. I rasa living a life like this, without people trying to bring me down lagi elok dari hari-hari I kena face the same person who has been driving me nuts. So I quit my job, alhamdulillah now i'm running a small business on Instagram and yes, thats more than enough. I am utterly happy with my life now and I dont feel like finding a job at this moment of time but insya Allah, if theres one job that suits me best, i'll go for it and work my ass off for our #kawinfund

Being jobless isnt that bad, sometimes I kept myself busy doing house chores, I cook, I clean, I do the laundry and sental every sudut in this house because that'll be more amusing rather than laying in bed all day pastu kena marah dengan mak. I nak practice awal being a good housewife so that I am of the same level as faisal's step mum. Shes an Australian and she likes to clean, clean and clean the house. 

Mak ada tanya I nak further study ke tak, somehow macam berat sebelah. Like what I posted on my latest entry, I dont feel like studying anymore having to think of all aspects. I just hope everything goes out smoothly in everything that I'm doing and may Allah make it easy for our #kawinfund and our future too.

Nanti follow @pastelle.my tauuuuuuuuuu!

Wait, see where this post is heading? NO WHERE BECAUSE ITS SO RANDOM but still thank you for reading. I nak kena reinstall blogger app so that when something pops in my head I boleh straight blog them all up kan? I'll see you on my next entry! xx



Sunday, August 23

Overthinking

I always worry about my future. Aku jadi apa, kerja apa, dekat mana aku kerja, hidup senang ke susah, aku kahwin dengan faisal ke tak, aku tinggal dekat mana, aku pakai kereta apa and the list goes on. Most of all, aku happy ke tak dengan life aku tu nanti?

Ive been through a lot of rejection and heart breaks and no bukan relating to love life. I got rejected for bachelor in Accounting since my result pun ayam ayam, aku rasa pemeriksa tu fikir aku buat kerja gila sambung accounting padahal i suck at it like major. I heard from faisal ramai yang failing papers even pegang title ANC masa diploma dulu. And then theres me result pun tak bagus mana. Perumpamaan nya macam tengah gamble nak terjun gaung. Even so, aku masih dapat peluang sambung marketing but i get a lot of advice supaya jangan further course tu. Wallahi at first aku rasa rezeki Allah ada dekat mana mana tapi sekarang ni pun susah nak cari job vacancy untuk Accounts Assistant kot sedangkan semua tahu kerja in an accounting field paling high demand.

So i decided untuk tak further degree. I asked my mum beforehand. Dia pun lagi setuju aku kerja, kumpul duit dan kahwin dari sambung marketing. Belum cerita hutang ptptn lagi bila fikir hutang diploma pun dah bertimbun nak tambah hutang degree aku terus rasa demotivated sangat.

Sekarang ni, things are beyond my control. Semua benda macam over the place and tbh kepala aku ni rasa benak fikir macam macam dalam satu masa. I just hope everything will turn out fine and no more worries dah lah. Penat lah berfikir ni. I macam nak jadi carefree and dgaf about anything but then i memang seorang manusia yang suka berfikir and sometimes terlebih fikir.

Again, everything is going to be okay. Sooner or later, eventually it will kan? Say, yes.

Yes

Wednesday, July 29

Natural makeup

I used to believe in the myths 'kalau pakai makeup dengan sangat kerap nanti hilang seri pengantin' 'jangan pakai makeup nanti muka bla bla bla'

Seri pengantin comes naturally, kalau pakai makeup setiap hari pun you shouldnt be concerned about her at all. Biarlah dia nak tepek apa dekat muka. Every bride memang akan nampak cantik on her big day. Pengantin tetap akan sparkle even ada bridesmaid/pengapit trying to overshadow, she still the prettiest on her wedding day.

The thing is, if you wanna wear makeup just go for it. Jangan dengar cakap orang. And i tak rasa my face after makeup nampak macam drag queen pun. Bagi i less is more. Jangan sampai tabarruj ya remember that

I want my wedding makeup to be so natural. And bcs faisal memang tak suka perempuan with so much makeup. He likes it better when i embrace my beauty and my bare face.

Saturday, July 25

A letter to my bro

Have you ever like sit still and stop the time for a minute or two, and just look around? Look at those people who have been living with you. Your family to be precise.

I had a fight with my brother just now entah apa dia buat he scattered my baju yang baru je lipat kat atas lantai. Bengang tu bengang jugak lah. I membebel macam nenek sebab geram sangat.

Then, i went down stairs cari album lama nak tunjuk faisal gambar i masa toddler dulu. As i turned those pages, sampai lah kat page where my brother punya gambar baby pun tersimpan kat dalam album yang sama bcs i tak banyak gambar masa baby so we shared the same photo album.

Tiba tiba, rasa sebak.

Idk. Because 13 years of living with danial, i can say that i'm not really a good sister for my brother. I selalu rotan dia, cubit peha dia kalau dia degil and boleh kata i layan dia tak berapa baik. Bukan benci. Tapi jengkel.

I didnt realise that as i am getting older my brother pun at the same time growing into a teenager. Masa berjalan cepat sangat. From that little mischievous toddler with that tiny feet, main kejar kejar dalam rumah to a teenage boy who now asked siapa presiden negara sekian sekian dan kat mana terletaknya sekian sekian tempat dalam Rusia. You dont ask me bruh. I dunno. Dulu i main barbie so dia memang paling selalu kacau & sepahkan the whole set.

I just hope when hes older he'll stalk my blog and read this post. I may have scold you, pinch you, call you a nigga or african boy or "mak pungut kau tepi jalan" but you should know that orang sayang kau.

Nanti orang dah kahwin, jaga mak abah elok elok. Tolong mak buat kerja rumah, basuh pinggan, sidai baju semua jangan eat sleep game repeat, orang tunjal dahi kau nanti. Nanti mesti danial rindu nasi goreng cina orang, so datang rumah orang nanti kau request lah eh haha

Friday, July 24

Long distance relationship

Somehow long distance relationship really is hard. At times, I have to convince myself things will get better bcs we both will kahwin sooner or later (insya Allah pray for us kay?) Hence, lepas dah kahwin nanti i'll get to see faisal everyday, every morning, every night and every minute of my existence for my entire life. Sometimes, i have to convince myself that we'll meet again, so we both make plans and usually I yang made all the plans nak pergi mana, nak buat apa, makan dekat mana yada yada. Everytime i akan convince myself that we can go through long distance relationship and we both will get through this test eventually! Tapi kadang I have to tell myself "sabarlah, nanti jumpa jugak" when I see some of my friends upload a pic of them keluar dengan boyfriend, dapat berkualiti time together, dapat spend the day together. Terusik jugalah hati ni nak nak kalau tengah rindu gila.

(At times, when i doubt things, he'll convince me that everything will be okay. He'll secure me with his words so that i rasa elok balik)

But what i do know now,

Those happiness are so temporary sebab bila dapat jumpa pastu dapat spend time lepastu balik rumah masing masing dah tu baru beberapa saat kejap je dah rindu. No! 10 hours takkan pernah cukup ok??????? Tak pernah cukup! This is the longest period of time yang I tak jumpa faisal. Dah hampir dua bulan jugak rasanya not bcs dia tak boleh turun Melaka but my dad wont allow us to go on a date (which i bring my little brother along) during puasa. Its so different than masa diploma dulu. Even two months tak jumpa but we both know start sem baru we get to lepak kat dewan makan berborak like theres no tomorrow. Tapi this time.... we dont know.

So here I am missing him so much each and everyday.

I'm hoping for time to fast forward til the day we both get married and live happily together and forever. May Allah purify our intention and may this difficulties help us grow. Right now I fikir satu je, takpelah if we dont get to meet selalu macam zaman diploma dulu, tuhan sayang sebab tu tuhan jaga kita berdua. Kita repair diri kita dulu, touch up skill yang mana mana perlu.  Marriage is a big thing; bukan untuk buat #relationshipgoals semata mata. Its more than just that.

Thursday, July 16

Improve you to be a better version of You!

So, what are the things you need to do from the moment you wake up until you end your day?

Say Alhamdulillah bcs youve been given the chance to breathe again. You live bcs of Allah, you die bcs of Allah. Give thanks to Allah.

Pray. Pray that its going to be a lot better than yesterday. Pray for a good start of the day and ask Allah to make it easy for you and bless everything you do.

Smile. The moment you wake up, just smile. You smile bcs it will make you look younger, happier and its healthy. Absorb all the positive vibes, and outcast all the negativity. Smile can help you lessen your stress and magically can make you feel calm. Smile to anyone you see on that day and the rest of the days.

Change. If yesterday you were so grumpy try changing yourself slowly, be kind. If you somebody makes you really annoyed or angry, say nothing. Just be silent. Verily those who can control their tongue when they are angry are among the righteous.

Forgive. If someone makes you feel so angry, annoyed and sad, learn to forgive. So as the saying goes let bygones be bygones. Forgive people the same way you want Allah to forgive your sins. Forgive people the same way you want your mother to forgive your wrongdoings. You dont lose your pride forgiving or asking people to forgive you. You gain rewards instead. Be kind. Let all the pasts stay in the past. And start a new one. Ask for apologies and forgive those who has wronged you.

May Allah reward us with good health, a life full of His rahmah, the people who loves us and all the goodness fiddunya walakhirah.

Rabbana aatinafiddunya hasanah, waa fiil akhiratii hasanaah. Wa kiina adzabannaar

Wednesday, July 15

Love yourself hun!

I wanna do some self reflecting and self loving. You can continue reading if youre having the same situation dan kalau bukan pun read or leave, its up to you.

Last night was really stressful that i cried myself to sleep and how faisal couldnt go to bed bcs hes too damn worried about me being how i was yesterday. I hate when i dah mula overthinking that everything seems so wrong, i'm so stupid and ugly and my existence is so useless. I was so insecure and i hate the fact that i gained a few kgs. My confident level just got washed down the drain and everyone else seems to look effortless and then theres me looking like a weird potato.

Heres the thing. Youre not fat! You gained weight. And its only 1.5kg from 70kg. Youre not fat and you should have the courage to say it infront of the mirror. You should feel pretty inside and out. And its not the matter of being perasan cantik yada yada but if being perasan cantik can help you boost up your confidence. Go and talk to urself depan cermin "ko cantik, Tuhan yang cipta ko tau? Kenapa hina diri sendiri ni!"

Fret not, after raya nanti kan youre gonna start your gym routine balik? Your body needs rest. Your body pun tahu letih sebab tu taknak turun dah below 70kg. Lu rilek lepas raya lu workout je. Ada lagi a few months before graduation day. And for raya.... well um if you look so damn large dalam gambar tell urself that its completely okay! Bcs bila you reach your goal nanti you boleh compare urself now and then. I know im right dont debate! *pointing finger at myself*

You see, even you dont like your physical now, faisal will always and still loves you anyway! I really dont know how he puts up with my insecurities everytime i rasa insecure. His continuous supports gonna help me reach my goal someday. Sayang, thank you tau? I know youre going to read this (bcs i told you so bahaha)

Love yourself. Talk to yourself often and just be yourself. You dont have to copy someone to be someone? Get what i'm saying????? 

And if someone copies you then you should know youre above them. Just dont stop. Be confident in whatever you do! Be crazy, laugh your heart out and dont make fun of your body. Bcs in the end, that'll turn into-- you overthinking everything and youre hurting yourself lah so thats a big no no!

Set up goals (u see,tumblr is good u know u boleh berangan kejap and mana tahu some of the pics can help u change ur life innit?), everytime you wake up please please please smile so all the positivity goes to you and think of all the small things God has given you throughout your 22 years of living. Jangan give up! Dont slouch sit straight up and be confident with your own skin. What youre thinking is what you should and would wanna be!

Love yourself, love yourself, love yourself. Because youre worth it. And dont let anyone tell you differently. Ok? Now cheer up and breathe fresh air!

Sincerely, your positive mind

Sunday, July 12

25th of Ramadhan

Recite this Dua on the 25th of Ramadhan

Ya Allah, bless Muhammad and the family of Muhammad The (One) who made,the night a covering and the day for seeking livelihood, and the earth a resting place, and the mountains as pegs. Ya Allah, (the) Subduer, Ya Allah, (the) Most Powerful. Ya Allah, the All­-Hearing. Ya Allah, (One who is) Near. Ya Allah, (the One) who answers.

Ya Allah, ya Allah, ya Allah, You have the most beautiful names the highest examples, the grandeur, the bounties.

I beseech You to bless Muhammad and the family of Muhammad, and place my name, in this night, among the fortunate, and my soul among the martyrs, let my good deeds be (written) in the ‘Illiyyin (Book of the virtuous), and my evil deeds be forgiven.

(And I beseech You to) grant me a certainty which gives joy to my heart, and a faith which drives doubt away from me, and make me pleased with what You have granted me.

(And I beseech You to) give us good in this world and good in the Hereafter, and save us from the punishment of the burning fire. (And I beseech You to) grant me in it (Laylatul Qadr)

Your remembrance, and Your gratitude, and desire for (pleasing) You, turning (to You for repentance), and success, for all that You have granted Muhammad and his family, peace be on him and on them ” – ❤

Saturday, July 11

I'm a wanderlust

When I say I want to travel I don’t mean I want to stay at resorts and go on tours with tour guides. I don’t want to be a tourist. When I say I want to travel I mean I want to explore another country and become a part of it.

I want to try new things, meet new people, explore new cultures, learn new traditions and breathe in the air of somewhere no one knows my name. I just want to get in the car and drive with no destination or plans. I want to walk on beaches in Fiji, Thailand, Australia and go cliff diving in Hawaii and Jamaica.

I want my mind to be in constant awe of life on earth. I want to see things with new eyes. I want to look at a map and be able to remember how I was transformed by the places I’ve been to, the things I’ve seen, and the people I’ve met.

I discovered that the things that made me happy were not things that would ever make me rich. I want to come home and realize that I have not come home whole, but have left a piece of my heart in each place I have been.

Home will always stay the same, but something in our minds will change, and that changes everything. I want to live and not just survive.”

– Veronica. S (viaunderthexsamexsky)

Thursday, July 9

Reflect

The remarkable thing about enduring distressing circumstances is that they truly feel as though they’re never going to pass. Even as Muslims being given the guarantee that “Verily, with every hardship comes ease” (Quran 94:6) stressful eras tend to shake our faith.
Often we do our utmost to be as tolerant as possible, but feeling down in the dumps has the tendency to drag our patience levels down with us.

Nonetheless, it’s inevitable; there will be bumps in the road ahead. Some will be steeper than others, but that’s absolutely no reason to let yourself fall. There will come days in your life where waking up seems meaningless.

Things around you which typically enliven or make you feel joyful will cease to do so, and absolutely nothing can bring light to the darkness which has set into stone in your chest. These are the darkest, poignant and most lonesome times you as an individual may go through. And you’ll start to question, “why do good things have to end?”. We question the “ending” in life frequently, but what we aren’t grasping is the fact that the same “ending” which you curse, is the same “ending” which will bring you relief. You don’t dwell in a lifetime of pain and anguish because those tears won’t last. You can only shed so many tears for the same reason for so long, before they become drops of a different sadness or happiness. You don’t go through the same distress every single day because every single day is different.

Sure, the good times pass; the people leave; the success expires; the youth fades, but just as all good things in life end, so do all terrible things in life. Sickness gets cured; hard work results in reward; arguments get resolved; grieving over death eases; emotions change.

So we need to cultivate a respect for the “ending” of situations in life which we never realized to appreciate. Your laughter may not last, but be grateful that neither will your tears.

You may be a wreck today, but are you going to feel this way every single day in the next three years? Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed us with the time capacity of all things in this life.

Written by allahaljalil.tumblr.com

Wednesday, July 8

New breath

I wanna start a new life surrounded by positivity and i wanna avoid negativity
I pledge to not post anything negative and offensive
I wanna live my life to the fullest!
And i always wanna be optimistic and redha to what ever coming in my way
I wanna start all over and be a better version of me inside and out

Forever and always

I wanna travel the world with my husband
Capture all the moment by the beach as the sun sets and turns red
I wanna breathe in fresh air on top of the hill after a long night of mountain trekking
Putting my head onto his chest while we cuddle in blanket in front of campfire
I wanna hold his hands while i amusingly walking and running like a little baby as we enter Disneyland
I wanna skydive,
Go up on a hot air balloon ride
Paragliding
And snorkeling where the water is crystal clear
I wanna run into his arms at Lavenders farm
And i wanna grab onto him when we’re inside the cable car
I wanna pluck apples from trees
We should play hide and seek, you hide and i’ll find you because my heart knows where you’ll be
I want you to lift me up so that i can reach the sky up high
I wanna celebrate our anniversary by watching romantic movies or just dance to the melody of a love song
I wanna fly with you, be in a plane looking out of the window as the clouds are beneath us
I wanna love you forever
I wanna be with you forever
I wanna live with you
Me and you, in this world and afterlife together
To infinity and beyond

Sunday, July 5

Overly attached

It triggers me to write about this person's tweet. I dont know it just something that i had in mind and i wanna let it out. You may agree or disagree or dont read at all.

Ok recently i read a tweet and the tweet kinda look like this; "Aku tak respect perempuan yang terlalu taksub dengan teman lelaki. Kahwin pun belum dah heboh satu dunia. Malulah sikit"
First of all i am that kind of gurl you been tweeting about. As the saying goes siapa makan cili terasa pedas nya. Memang tbh terasa jugak if it wasnt for me pun tempias terkena sikit. But! Its a good thing this person tweeted on this issue so i know lah what she think of the people yang overly attached macam i ni.

I am overly attached i wont deny it. Tbh, i appreciate my boyfriend's existence and the best part of all, he has split personality. His friends nampak dia ni jenis introvert, tak selalu senyum, nampak macam ada masalah, selalu berkerut etc etc. Yup i heard alot from people some even cakap hes sombong and all. His family nampak dia jenis can be count on and a great brother to mingle with. And i nampak hes going to be a very good and responsible husband. Bila orang cakap dia tak senyum bila terserempak thats when people should know dia memang macamtu. But when hes with me, hes a different person. Totally different person. He talks a lot like a little child. Hes active, cheerful and sometimes he dances when i asked him to dance while we were on the road listening to the radio.

And i always want to write about him because hes like a book and not an open one. Hes like a diary to be precise. Hes unpredictable sometimes and is so kind hearted. He appreciates his blood bros and the love he has for his mother and his siblings is beyond words. He never calls me with any insulting names memang tak pernah call me gemuk ke lengan macam ikan paus ke eyebag macam kantung kangaroo ke. Nope, nada. Tak pernah. I was the one yang suka insecure dengan my whole features but he'll convince me that im not like that. Dia jarang marah i but when he does im in a big trouble. Not once, dia reject my calls or leaving my text unreplied. Satu hari je bila dia tak check on me pun i dah menggelabah rindu (macam kes takde line masa dia dekat Pulau Perhentian haritu)

I admit that i memang overly attached or can i say that i obsess dengan my boyfriend. And i believe thats none of anyone's business to be concerned about. Its not like im obsessed with someone else's husband or boyfriend kan? And yes i belum kahwin, i belum ada apa apa hubungan dengan dia then the cliche part when people cakap "bukan main heboh kat orang pasal boyfriend dia tu. Konon sweet sangat lah macam dia sorang ada boyfriend, kang tup tup tak jadi. Buat malu je" 

Damn gurl.... you been growin hatred in ur heart. cmon boleh kan doa untuk we both murah rezeki, kahwin awal, dipermudahkan jalan and all those stuffs. Your saliva wont cost a penny pun if you doa for other people's happiness. If my conversation on timeline bothers you, might just block me or mute ke if that'll make you happier then just do it. Its not the matter of putuskan silaturahim for god sake dont be that narrow. Unfollow orang doesnt mean you putuskan silaturahim. Yalah, if you tak suka then why bother baca then comes one statement "tak ingin nak baca, dah keluar timeline terbaca pulak" thats why theres a mute button awak. Mute je, habis cerita. I mute and block people a lot srsly. Taksub ke tak taksub ke thats my problem and thats just me. Serious if you rimas then you may unfollow no kidding no hard feelings.

Please, doakan. Jangan lah hina just because we sin differently than you sebab you tak ada boyfriend. Me and him sendiri tak suka bercinta lama lama. And we acknowledge the fact there shouldnt be no love before marriage, kena jaga ikhtilaat and having a boyfriend is haraam. But in case youre wondering we only met once in a month and my younger brother will teman every we go. My dad has been taking care of me. I may have complaint about why my parents are strict im 22, people of my age boleh je suka hati keluar dengan bf yada yada but hes my dad and he knows the fact that when two person went out together syaitan will be joining the party. Ya Allah im thankful. Right now i rasa nak menangis having to think of the sins ive been doing and giving freely to my dad :'(

Please, i mintak doakan that we both akan kahwin one day, takda masalah dan dipanjangkan jodoh sampai bila bila

We have future plans, next year or two years ahead that depends. There are alot of aspects need to be taken into consideration. Financially, emotionally and our readiness to uphold these responsibilities. We dont have to tell people about what our plans are sebab god will decide whats best and whats not. Lambat atau cepat kahwin, we solely depend on Allah. Jangan lah doakan we both break up takut takut nanti benda tu terpalit kena awak pulak.

Doakan yang baik baik tau, i cannot repay ur kind duas but insya Allah, Allah Swt knows what lies in your heart and you will be rewarded for ur kindness. Thankyou for reading xx


Sunday, June 28

Baby love

Knowing every pieces of you makes me realize that all those pieces are meant to complete me. Knowing how strong and fragile you can be at times and knowing that i want to be there for you when your skies are grey. To the most hardworking man i have ever met, who is willing to do just about everything in order to keep me smile. 

Youre the one who knows that i'll get annoyed easily when im hungry. Youre the one who will be there to help me choose baju yang i confuse mana satu nak beli. Youre the one who jaga my aurat, who will ask me to betulkan tudung sebab nampak rambut and who wont let me buy baju yang fitted to body. You sacrifice a lot and you have done so many things for me. One time my white long sleeve shirt terkena cili and im uncomfortable pastu menyampah tengok kesan cili tu, you drove me off to bundle bcs ive been complaining about how i nampak selekeh bila cili terkena baju apa semua you dont nag, you baik sangat.

You bring me to places that ive been putting down on my list and you always belanja me and my annoying brother that sometimes i rasa uneasy. But you said it was okay, is it? Youve been working til midnight, driving from semenyih/kuala selangor to shah alam and please know that i dont like it when you text me while driving. Bahaya tau? I nak kawin dengan you tau? I told you once kalau i tak kahwin dengan you, i wont marry anyone

Youre a gentleman you always hold the doors for me. Bila makanan you dah sampai, you tunggu makanan i sampai sejuk. Bila makanan i pulak sampai dulu, you suruh i makan takpayah tunggu you. Kadang i lapar gila i akan terus makan but at times i degil nak tunggu jugak, makan sama sama. Every night you akan bacakan i doa tidur, every morning bila you bangun dulu mesti wajib you akan bagi i good morning text. Not once, you terlupa :') i'm always the first in your head ya sayang? And paling i suka bila i request lagu and you akan mainkan gitar kadang i sing along kalau i tahu. And now you have been saving money for us, for our future. Insya Allah i'll be helping you too soon bila i dah dapat kerja tau? Sayang, please never leave me okay? Promise you'll stay?

I promise i'll practice more on being a good and loyal wife of yours and a mother to your child.

I love you sayang, my hardworking man


Friday, June 26

Quality over quantity?



I'm that kind of friend who will try my hardest to help my friends especially when they need my shoulders to cry ke when they need my advice ke atau if they need help when it comes to checking their grammar mistakes untuk assignment ke atau anything lah i shouldnt state here kang kata riak pulak. So i hereby saying that, as long as i can help you, i'll help

I have (or can i say 'had'?) this one friend, bfr this we both had an argument over something pastu i blocked her bcs that was the only way that i can do to make me feel better and to avoid more tak puas hati feelings ke apa kan. But then one day, i unblocked dia balik and tried to ask her if she could forgive me for all my wrongdoings. Mula mula dia kata dia tak ambil pusing apa apa, i was so glad to know that at first but later she asked "why all of the sudden?" So i told her that i sincerely want us to be okay again and no issue between us dah. Plus waktu tu i told her i wanted to change since Ramadhan was just around the corner

Sadly, she refused to believe me when she posted something pasal my intention. Padahal my intention was good. After mintak maaf i tried to make conversation lah kan to elak the awkwardness. I asked her about her being a replacement teacher. I tanya lah how she applied for cikgu ganti, macam mana gaji and did she choose the school by herself atau dapat sekolah tu randomly ke apa, the questions were basic bcs to me, tak ada salah nya tanya nasihat? It was really sad to read her replies when dia cakap "kau pergi lah sendiri tanya kat sana. Mak bapak aku pun tak tolong. Aku pergi sendiri je" 

Eversince then i dont talk to her dah. Little did i know it was a big issue for her bcs later her friend pulak out of nowhere cari pasal. Ended up, everything went down the drain and i explained every little details and whats worse was when she twisted the whole thing as if i mintak maaf tu semata-mata nak tanya pasal cikgu ganti padahal dah explain? Dont matter, ive been knowing her since school and that was her perangai all along. Tak pernah berubah rupanya.

This post wasnt meant to tell everyone how bad she was or how bad she treated me, but what im trying to tell is that;

1. If someone ask for your forgiveness, forgive them. Dont go around telling people they are not sincere and its not genuine ke apa bcs we dont know what lies in their heart kan?

2. If you already ask someone to forgive you and they didnt do the same in return, biarkan. Youve done your part

3. When someone plays victim so people would be on their side, biarkan. The truth will be told one day

4. When someone said they dont stalk/talk about you, but the fact that you know the truth, just let them be

5. If someone ask for your help, help them without terms & conditions. Bcs you will never know kalau misal kata one day you got into trouble then nobody was there to help, seriously when you help someone, God will ease your way

6. Bila takde mood atau penat pastu orang mintak tolong padahal they all boleh buat sendiri, try to help them as sincere as you can (still struggling on this point right here)

7. If someone needs your help especially on the things youre good at, try not to be harsh on them macam 'ni pun tak reti buat ke?' 'benda senang je kot' bcs thats the whole point. Kalau orang tu tahu, dia tak mintak tolong :)

8. Dont throw away your old friends, just bcs you make new friends kat tempat baru. And dont blame your old friends if they dont tegur you when they see you kat luar ke kat mall ke

9. Maybe its true that some would choose quality over quantity but i believe in kindness. If youre kind to others and sayang every each of your friends, you would wanna keep all of them so you could meet them in Jannah

And last but not least,
10. In the end, if your friend brings no good to you or when asik lah ada issue, i believe that we should let these kind of people go. At the end of the day, no one gets hurt and everyone can live their life happily


Anyway, if i have ever wronged you, hurt your feelings or threw harsh words at you please do forgive me and let me know what i did wrong. The truths may hurt, but lies are even worse. Have a great life ahead. May we all meet in Jannatul Firdaws one day! Aameen xx




Tuesday, June 2

Its just something that i had in mind

Have you ever felt like being intimidated by yourself bcs of your own flaws? I remember when my life was a total wrecked bcs i was considered as overweight. I hate putting on jeans and i don't really like to wear long sleeves. The moment i thought i need to change and transform myself was when our family went to Sabah and i dont even have anything proper to wear. Until today masih regret bcs i dont have any decent pictures in Sabah bcs of how i looked then. I got so insecure and not to mention how often faisal had to listen to me rambling abt my weight, how my arms were flabby and how obvious my double chin was. 

Ever since i first started going to the gym, my parents and faisal have been given me continuous supports. Some of my friends told me that i look different than i was before and what makes me happier, ive been skipping gym for almost 2 weeks plus (but still went for jogs) and my weight hasnt change at all. I trust my journey and i'll work harder to regain back my confidence that was once gone. I'll be a brand new person and hoping the old giggly, fun and at the same time annoying Adawiyah will still remain the same

Tuesday, April 21

Two months

I have never accomplished anything (not referring to academic) and often i cepat sangat give up bila i tak dapat fast results. After two months of struggling, sweating and having sore muscles, i gotta say i am proud of myself for losing 8kg and this hasnt stop selagi tak achieve 50kg. 

Awal-awal bulan after i started my mission, ada lah juga patah semangat pastu nangis sebab kawan sendiri dah turun berat from 75kg to 62kg dalam masa yang singkat. Mula-mula break down jugak sebab rasa macam pointless lah benda ni, baru turun 3kg macam tak nampak perubahan langsung. Tapi i managed to get myself back on track since i dapat support from my family, Faisal and friends, I started to take things positively bcs dudeeee, youre halfway there weh and you wanna give up??? 

I just hope things will get even better soon.......




Thursday, March 12

Appreciating You #3

I'm dedicating this post to my dearest boyfriend ever. Thank you sayang for having me in your life, for taking care of me, for treating me nice and for being the guy who supports me all the time; who never fails to make me laugh and smile. I know sometimes i can be a little bit rough on you. I'm sorry if i hurt you, if i fail to understand you and i'm sorry if i'm not good enough. And i am sorry if i go against you by the things you did or said. I'm sorry if i am mean to you. I'm sorry if i am impatience. I'm sorry if i messed up and i'm sorry if i made you cry. 

You're one in a million sayang

I know how hard i am for you to handle. I know its difficult to understand me. Take all the time you need to better understand me because i will never leave. I love you that i cant stay mad at you for long. You know that dont you? tak susah sangat nak pujuk i sebenarnya bcs you know what you know. Dah kawin nanti you can smother me all you want. Thank you for appreciating me, for being faithful and for sacrificing your time and energy just to make me feel happy. Thank you for all the things you gave and thank you for loving me for what i am. 

Nobody has stayed this long. Nobody can truly accepts me; all of the secrets i had and all of the dark sides of me. You accept me, you tahu all of my flaws; but you still choose to stay. I'm grateful and i can never tell how much you mean to me by words. I cant even build a good sentence to express this feeling i'm having inside my heart, i cant describe it beautifully sayang :( 




Come what may, i will always be with you through it all and we will make it til the end.

Happy Men's Day. I love you sayang 



Friday, February 6

No pain no gain

Hi, well sebenar nya aku rasa curious. Kenapa ada segelintir orang makan jamu makan pil kurus minum air untuk kurus just like that boleh turun berkilo kilo tapi bila aku i have to work really hard pergi gym bermandikan peluh, jogging, cut down my appetite plus portion makanan kurangkan and all eh?

Aku cemburu dengan orang yang senang gila turun berat badan like srsly cemburu.
Before this i've tried loads of things untuk kurus. Aku jogging, skipping, main badminton, buat home workout, zumba, aerobics and all kind of exercises lah senang cerita. Tapi tetap susah nak turun.

This time i have found that determination i've once lost. And this time aku nak work my ass off just to get my old body back! And i aint gonna stop til that scale points at 60 or below

I'll prove something insya Allah. Insya Allah there will be an improvement!

Thursday, February 5

Syukur

Aku pusing belakang jap trying to get a reflect of what i have accomplished for the past few months, aku nampak banyak positif dari negatif. Before this masa aku nak adapt kat tempat kerja baru sumpah banyak gila perkara paling neraka jadi kat aku.

Tapi each and every passing days taught me that jangan surround diri dengan negative thoughts. Always stay positive no matter how many times aku fedup dengan perangai segelintir manusia. Mak pernah kata "jangan bila tak selesa dengan tempat kerja, awak resign, give up. Sama je macam lari dari masalah"

Today i managed to prove to my mom yang aku dah kerja lebih sebulan dekat papparich. One thing abt my workplace is everyday is a learning process plus dekat situ aku ramai kawan so everytime aku rasa semangat sikit pergi kerja sebab nak jumpa kawan kawan aku

Harini dengan semalam aku belajar balik topik consolidation yang susah gila. Tapi harini ntah kenapa ada satu perasaan lega yang teramat dalam hati aku bila aku dapat 100% apa yang lecturer ajar.
Pastu aku macam persoalkan dekat diri sendiri "kenapa aku tak boleh buat dulu. Kenapa aku tak fokus wehhhh. Benda ni tak complicated pun ya Allah" terus aku jadi positif sebab aku rasa memang elok aku fail (walaupun tak dapat grad sama dengan coursemate tapi takpelah takde rezeki) dari situ aku tahu langit tu tinggi ke rendah dan dari situ pemahaman aku dan interest aku untuk belajar lagi melonjak naik.

Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Thats all i gotta say.

Monday, January 19

Appreciate

Bila kau dah dapat benda yang paling kau nak, tolong hargai. Mungkin sebalik tabir sebelum benda tu sampai ke tangan kau, ada liku liku yang si pemberi tempuh well yea sometimes things dont go as we planned kan

Dah dapat, hargai. Tak dapat, usaha sendiri. Jangan nak merengek lah macam orang sekeliling kau tu atm machine. Please la dah besar kan?

Konsep sama bila kau nakkan seseorang, dan bila kau dah dapat, kau tolong lah hargai dia ok
Dah tu je

Thursday, January 8

Late birthday post

Umur 22 tahun tak bermaksud all the fun stuff aku kena ketepikan sebab memang sifat budak budak dalam diri aku dah tak boleh nak buang. Alah takkan nak serius nak grumpy setiap masa pulak. Ada masa kena fikir matang selaras dengan usia. Ada masa jadi lah budak budak jadi lah terejal jadi lah mengada-ngada.

Aku tak mintak banyak, aku cuma nak Tuhan sempatkan aku rasa hidup bermandikan peluh cari duit sebab nak repay kerja keras parents yang dah penat lelah raising aku yang serba serbi rebelious dan troublesome. 

Aku nak Tuhan sempatkan aku kahwin dengan orang yang paling aku sayang. Sebab aku nak tunggu dia kat pintu syurga nak hidup sama dalam syurga hmm jiwang kan hm sikit je ala bagilah can!

Aku nak Tuhan sempatkan aku experience baby dalam perut. Bila tapak kaki kecil dia setepek nampak kat perut, bila dia bergerak aku jerit "abang, tengok ni!" Pastu berkejaran husband aku dapatkan perut aku, pegang, pastu bagi salam pastu kecewa sebab baby dah tak gerak sebab baby lagi sayang ibu dari ayah dia. Bila baby keluar, ayah dia punya excited nampak jelas. Diazan/iqamah kan baby depan mata kepala. SubhanAllah!

Aku nak Tuhan sempatkan semua.

Just when youre about to give up dengan life kau yang konon nya miserable, kau ingat je nikmat Tuhan yang dulu, yang sekarang dan yang bakal kau dapat. Insya Allah kau rasa bahagia dan cukup ☺

Oh and happy 22nd birthday to myself. Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah ��

Thursday, January 1

summary


Pejam celik dah 2015 dah yang pelik nya kenapa status aku masih bujang! bila isi apa apa borang dengan usia setua ni (22 tahun je pun) aku dah patut letak status 'berkahwin, dua orang anak'

Kalau tanya aku azam 2015 aku dah malas nak cite. jujur lah kan list out 10 tapi yang jalan cuma 1 atau 2 azam je kot. contoh azam aku setiap tahun 'nak kurus' weh gemuk jugak tak kurus kurus pun. makin gemuk ada lah kot. makin aku tua ni aku makin malas nak buat azam tahun baru. cukup aku improve diri sendiri, improve kualiti hidup aku dan ibadah aku rasa tu dah molek sangat dah. Kalau tanya pengalaman paling best tahun 2014, i would definitely say that terlalu banyak untuk aku jot down tapi paling best waktu satu family went for our Sabah trip!

Kalau tanya apa yang paling tak best, well, part aku dapat tahu aku tak dapat grad on time dengan Faisal plus kena extend sampai part 7. Kalau tanya peristiwa yang aku tak boleh lupa of course lah i would say pasal those plane tragedies. I cant imagine the pain of losing the people that i love. Kalau tanya benda paling unpleasant untuk tahun 2014, i would straight away cakap pasal those fights i had with my housemates. Kalau tanya apa yang paling nak untuk tahun 2015, aku tak mintak banyak cuma aku doa sangat me and Faisal selalu support each other, appreciate dan sayang each other like always. 

Dan aku doa moga Tuhan panjangkan usia orang orang yang aku sayang. semua sekali. dan moga Tuhan merahmati hidup aku dan semua yang aku cinta. harap harap 2015 banyak yang indah indah dari yang jelik kan? Insya Allah biiznillah