Thursday, October 30

Late night confession

I'm halfway done idek how long have i typed. I can be very stupid at times that i have to rewrite what has been written just now. penat meroyan hmph

I've decided to write everything in here instead of tweeting it. twitter kan kedekut bagi 140 words jewp mana cukup nak tulis semua yang ada dalam benak pemikiran ni plus twitter is an instant blog. definitely i'll annoy anyone when my face asik appear on their timeline so using twitter is a no no so ok so hmmm.

I cant seem to find the right time to sit and just let it all out. Its disturbing and i hate when my head is packed with so many random and unnecessary thoughts.

I had gone through so many failures. I lose hope plenty of times and ya ya ya i told already abt this part when aku sem 3 i almost quit uitm etc etc. This time around nak further degree while sign up those three courses kan, i letak tesl as my first option and my dad tak tahu that i did that. And i felt guilty but then again i rasa, tipu for my own good pun then it should be okay. Abah dah banyak kali suruh i take accountancy for my diploma and degree. But i insisted that diploma is my trial period. I cant. I just cant continue doing this. I dont even like numbers and i dont wanna take any risk. Hence, i took that chance of putting tesl as my first choice.

I held my breath and slowly breathing out. Bcs this time i finally get the chance to do what i have always wanted. Which is to go for tesl instead of accountancy. I took a quick glance of what it would be, what it would look like when i dah jadi one of those tesl students. People cant look down on me dah. All this time aku fikir what a loser aku ni and stupid. Yup, thats what i thought.

Then came that day of Hari Arafah where all your prayers will be fulfilled by Allah swt so i took that opportunity to ask Allah. If tesl baik untuk aku ease my way and if its not then show me. I asked Allah the same thing, should i or should i not take bachelor in accountancy.
The next day, i did some research and asked some of my friends abt tesl and somehow i felt uneasy. As if there was something that weighing me down and i came to think of what tiqah pernah cakap dulu. We were having hot drinks kat luar rumah, breathe in some fresh air after countless of hours study for our final exams. I asked her abt this tesl-account thing since she's the kind of person who sees things clearly. We were talking abt solat istikharah. Dia kata "istikharah bukan dari mimpi je. Kadang kalau benda tu baik untuk awak, awak rasa seronok sangat. Awak tak rasa berat hati atau rasa susah." 

Exactly. Apa yang aku rasa contradicts to what i should be feeling. Patut aku rasa seronok but then aku rasa berat hati. I turned down my muet exam and i told my mum 'mak, kalau tak pergi muet tapi nak pergi sabah instead boleh?' 

Right now, i dont really mind abt taking my degree lambat ke apa. I dont mind kalau aku habis belajar lambat bcs if i go for accounting dapat pengecualian kredit ✌

Its not such a bad thing pun if i sambung lambat. Plus i even asked my mum, 'mak nanti kalau faisal dah kumpul duit apa semua tapi waktu tu tak habis belajar lagi, mak bagi kahwin tak?'

She didnt even nodd or say yes instead dia cakap 'tanya abah. Kalau abah bagi, dapatlah'

Well, thats just it. I'll go for accountancy and i'll take whatever risk. Bcs in the end, everything will be worth it. Plus i have my parents' support, they believe in me, i have their prayers and thats more than enough. 

Sometimes, we cant have what we want. But trust me, apa yang kita nak tak semestinya baik untuk kita. We cant predict the future might as well kita rely and trust our God bcs He is the All-Knowing ☺